Nov 26, 2005

Chapter 24

SCIENCE: Rational, objective, evidence-based.
Peer reviewed, strictly factual, devoid of all bias or emotion.
Scientists are not crazy people, like musicians or dancers or painters or magicians. Scientists function by pure reason, absolute proof, rigorous rational processes. If they say this is good for you, drink it.

Science: saving mankind with rationality.

Good evening, science fans.
My name is Bob Dawson. I have Parkinson's Disease. I am President of the Parkinson's Disease Internet Underground Conspiracy, a multi-national nonprofit NGO.

This is a response to the YouTube entitled:
"Mayo Clinic Study Finds Parkinson's Disease Medication Triggers Destructive Behavior".

The Mayo Clinic states that at least 20 percent of patients taking dopamine agonists for Parkinson's develop behavior that is destructive to themselves and to others; specifically, "shocking things happened; they lost hundreds of thousands of dollars gambling; all kinds of sexual indiscretions..." One in 5 became addicted to gambling or hypersexuality. With 1,000,000 Americans taking agonist drugs, that would be 200,000 victims in need of immediate medical and psychological help, a pandemic requiring nation-wide emergency intervention. But where are these 200,000 people driven over the edge by Mirapex? The Mayo Clinic found 7 of them. That's right, SEVEN. Then they declared it to be a definitive study.

In response, we conducted our own research. We sent out a questionnaire to 300 People with Parkinson's. Two hundred replied. Actually 196, but we rounded off to simplify the math. We included only those who are taking dopamine agonists. Here is how you will recognize them:

65% of People With Parkinson’s (in our group) never completed high school;
80% use wood as their only, primary, or secondary source of heat;
72% live in a household where there is a chain saw;
68% own a farm tractor. Not one of those garden tractors. We're talking real manly tractors. Hypersexual manly tractors;
2% are American draft dodgers still avoiding the war in VietNam;
21% live on a road that is not paved
4% claim to have been at Woodstock but almost certainly were not;
50% detest Celine Dion;
50% adore Celine Dion
70% don’t have a neurologist because there are none in rural areas;
68% have never lived in a town with a population of more than 10,000;
75% are living within 50 miles of where they were born;
100% are taking dopamine agonists
100% have never been a part of any Parkinson’s group, except on the internet;
94% have never been to a gambling casino;
82% purchase lottery tickets, which is gambling;
0% could afford to be part of a self-selected group who go to the prestigious Mayo Clinic and pay $400 per visit to reveal their secret problems with sex and gambling.
0% admit to having problems with gambling or hypersexuality.
95% had never heard of the Mayo Clinic.
100% thought maybe the $200 million per year spent on Parkinson’s research would be better spent looking for a cure for the disease. Just a suggestion.

But at least now the medical industry knows what they are dealing with: the average Parkinson’s patient lives in a rural area, has a woodstove, hates or loves Celine Dion, and does not gamble.

The dilemma about Celine Dion will require years of psychotherapy.

The Mysterious Anuket, ( who has been analyzing science reports for Parkinson's people for the past 10 years or more, would tell you that my report is completely unscientific. It's a self-selected group of mostly rural people. Those who did not reply, and the millions of other Parkies around the world who were not asked to reply, might give totally different answers.
But it's a wider sampling than the Mayo Clinic, with their SEVEN victims, all self-selected, who went to the Mayo Clinic and paid $400 to tell a doctor about their sex or gambling problems. No one in my group would do that; no one in the Mayo group is likely to be living on a road that is not paved.

It is entirely true that some people suffered great damage from taking these drugs. Everyone should be aware that if you pour brain-altering chemicals into a section of your brain where 90% of the brain cells are already dead, very strange things can happen to you. It may be heaven or it may be hell. I thought we proved that at Woodstock. If you take agonists, watch your own behaviour. If you wake up in a casino in Vegas with a hooker under each arm, stop taking the drugs. Unless that's what you always wanted to do. Then it’s nobody’s business what you do.

And you, at the Mayo Clinic, we are aware that you were pioneers in patient- centered medical care. We know that if you had been in charge of the Amgen GDNF experiments, the volunteers would not have been treated with such callousness and condescension . But what have you done for us lately? Scared away all our dates by telling the world that we are dangerous sex maniacs, thieves and gamblers. You have to make it up to us.

Here is what we want from the Mayo Clinic. This is our only demand: win the Nobel Prize in Medicine for eradicating this evil disease from the face of the earth forever. Or at least try.

Bob Dawson

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